Friday, November 20, 2009

The Stimulus is Working ~ 7MM Magnum (Plus: Thornton over Erskine)

The Stimulus is Working
by, Jake Swiftarrow, Sports Slayer

Unemployment in California is now over 12% (realistically closer to 20%). “The Stimulus is working.” I’m going to do my part and purchase a lawnmower to create 50 new jobs. I learned you can do that from the White House’s web site. Don’t bother to thank me. I’m just a citizen doing my part. I’ll even buy a John Deere instead of a Honda.

Free agency begins today in Major League Baseball. This is the best time of year to be a Yankee fan. It’s like Ivanka Trump in the mall with daddy’s credit card. Although it’s a thin crop of players, Matt Holliday, Jason Bay and John Lackey will help some ball clubs. The question is, “at what price?” Unless, of course, you’re a Yankee fan, then you never ask yourself that question. “The Stimulus is working.”

The new Health Care bill is over 2000 pages long. Raise your hand if you think your government representatives will actually read it. They admittedly didn’t read the Stimulus bill because they weren’t given enough time. Most had aides skim through it. And it really didn’t matter because they crossed stuff out and wrote in new material in the margins. Give them some napkins and crayons to write on next time. This is government at its finest. The Goth Girl down the street would have trouble finishing a 2000 page Twilight book and digesting it, let alone understand it well enough to legislate in every American home. Of course, under the proposed bill, all Americans refusing to purchase health care will be considered criminals. I guess this will benefit the prison industry. “The Stimulus is working.”

On the college football recruiting front: So, it's easy to see why Storm Johnson (Loganville HS, GA) chose the Hurricanes, but equally puzzling why Mack Brown (Martin Luther King HS, GA) did not choose Texas. Although, the Horns did land top prospect, Chris Jones ("Rodney" Daingerfield HS, TX). Baylor was excited to get a verbal from "You can come down outta that tree anytime now" Ahmad Dixon (Midway HS, TX). There is still a bidding war over "I shot the" Shariff Floyd (George Washington HS, PA). Georgia got Nickell Robey from Frostproof HS, FL, where it never snows.

The Republic of Ireland is still in shock after losing to France 2-1 on aggregate allowing Les Bleus to qualify for the World Cup instead of the Irish. The winning goal came as a result of a double handball by France’s Thierry Henry and was not called by referee, Martin Hansson. Even the French, to their credit, are not proud of the way they were allowed to qualify under such circumstances. Henry said, "Naturally I feel embarrassed at the way that we won and feel extremely sorry for the Irish who definitely deserve to be in South Africa. Of course the fairest solution would be to replay the game but it is not in my control.'' The Irish have asked for the game to be replayed but FIFA has denied the request. The Irish were the better side for most of the game, but the luck of the Irish was not to be found this day. I’ll be sure to slam down an Irish Car Bomb in a show of solidarity this evening lads. I’ll make sure at the pub, at least for tonight that “The Stimulus is working.”